While we are sitting in the booth, waiting for our katsu, and chowmein in those totally wasteful styrofoam boxes; My daughter asks me, "Dad, who are you going to vote for."

I looked at her over the top of my glasses. It's a tell for me that someone should know better than to say or ask me what they just did. She knows too. "Meg, that's a personally question."

She did this little tight lipped smile thing she does and twisted her hair. Yeah, like she was wrapping her Dad around her finger. The hardest thing for me in life os to tell my daughters "no". Grrrr. Anyways.

I pushed my glasses up my nose, and looked her in the eye, making a note to remind her to tone down the eyeliner next time, she is still over doing it a bit with the makeup since her mom relinquished on it. "I already voted Meg. The caucuses were last weekend, and the primary "votes" you mail in don't count. So since I did I'll tell you. Your staunch died in the wool strict as all hell disciplinarian, retired US Navy, flag waving, boot stomping, long haired red neck, NRA card carrying, semi-sorta almost ultra conservative guy you know as Dad, I voted for Barrak Obama in the priomary."

Her eyes light up. "wow, you did really? Mom said she is going to vote for Hillary."


I arched an eyebrow, "is going to? you mean for the primary? " as she nodded, I tsked. "Does your mom know that the Democratic Party (I cringed even saying the name of it) isnt' taking primary voted, only from the caucuses count?

I know she is going to go home and tell her mom her vote didn't count. *snickers*

This would be the first time I voted for a major party candidate, let alone a democrat, in 20 years. It's because I"m passionate about it, I believe what this man has to say, and his view on things.

yikes. I best end this before I start Hillary and McCain bashing.

is getting me down. Let's talk financials. I've got the rough on my incomce taxes, that I've been putting off, just because I had a feeling it was this bad. This is a rant about the iRS, being divorced, child support, and military service and pensions. I'm pissed because I have to write a check, and I've never had to before. I've always figured things well enough that it was break even or better.

Yes, I claimed single and zero the first nine months of the year, and I used as much of my 401k as possible to keep it down, maybe not enough soon enough.

If you take all the take home pay I made from the end of January until June wouldn't have been enough to pay my federal income taxes, and child support combined. My taxes are more than my child support. Hey, I understand I earned them both, but the penalty for not being re-married or being able to buy a home after the financial trauma of divorce...well fuck, it adds insult to injury. For a matter of fact, my current military pension, (that's the check I get for serving through 4 wars, 6 years of sea duty, and over 20 years for this country) is not only TAXABLE, but it isn't enough to pay my income taxes for the year.

To be fair there is an upside, I get a disabbilty check from the VA which should be part of my retirement, but is tax free. Well...I'm taking it and screw you, I wont' get the full use of my leg back ever. So I'm leaving that part out of the rest of this.


So I pay income tax on the child support I pay out (again not bitching, I pay more than the court ordered, what my Ex and I agreed upon) and on my military pension. If those had not been included I only would have had to work until April or May to pay off the IRS and support, and maybe gotten somewhere for the numbers it says I made, but I don't get to see any of.

I figure it's a tax penalty from the right wing christian government. I haven't bought a house, because I pay too much in frickin' taxes and support my income is too low to do it on my own, and I'm paying for being SINGLE.

I was sheltered from it being in the military with all the tax free benefits, and being married most of my time in, totally oblivious to the "sin tax" I have to pay for having children and being single now.

No wonder there are so many deadbeat dads, flag burners and Freemen in Montana. I mean fuck, I paid more in income tax than some people make in a year in a part time job and I end up barely breaking even because I haven't walked the path of righteousness and re-married and bought another home.

Twenty One percent of my income is going to Federal Taxes, combined with child support it comes to over 32% of my AGI is paid out in child support and taxes. I could have worked at McDonalds all year for what I get leftover from that, but then I wouldn't have been able to pay my taxes and child support.

Go figure.

Had this frickin' headache all weekend. I think someone slipped me a mickey on Friday. Something happened, and I haven't quite figured it out yet. Five and a half beers from 330pm until 930pm and I ended up pukling my guts up behind the tavern and woke up faceplanted in the gravel.
My ass isn't sore, so it wasn't an out of body prison experince. Yay. Trashed my glasses which torques me, but for the life of me I have no idea what the frick happened.

Things could be better than they are, but at least I've got time to do chores and work on a frickin' car that just does not want to run.

Funny how around the holidays everyone wants to make all these plans that tear everything everywhich way. I'm cooking turkey, and pies, taking them to friends, working the whole weekend now it seems, and have to go to my dad's for my daughters birthday, then a retirement party on Kit's lil island on Saturday with all this going on.

Great thing about being me, is I don't have to go anywhere or do anything for anyone else. I get tired of being alone sometimes, but it's better than the alternatives, so I just do what I wanna do, even if it means sitting around in my skivvies, watching movies and scratching my nuts. Which I'm pretty much inclined to do for a good part of next weekend.

peace out, have a good week my friends.

Well then....the gal I met in South Carolina and hit it off, things have finally dissolved. No fault other than my own. I havent' been able to make it there, she cant' come here, we'd hate eachother if we moved.

We clicked. Like that. It could have worked, when there hasn't even been anyone close to anything that could work for me since J.

I go out, and see all my friend hooking up, everyone seems to be in these happy couples. I say seems, because you never know. I'm about as alone as I've ever been in a long time, about as far from anything even close to a relationship or something going on. I'm ok though. Life is balanced. Somewhat stagnant, but balanced. I keep doing things to keep myself going, and things for and with my kids. Job is ok, not great, not bad, but ok, mostly all I do, but it's bearable.

Thing is, here I am, I come home alone, I wake up alone, I go out alone, no calls, no one I call, and I'm ok with it.

Always feared that I would grow old alone, and I'm reaching a place where it's ok. Not that I dont' give a fuck, but it's ok however it happens.

Que Sera Sera.

There's always shit to watch on the tube, books to read, music to enjoy, friends to go out with and hang out with, even if I'm the token fifth heel single old guy *laughs* Life is good, it could be, and has been a helluva lot worse.

I've been wanting to see Neil Young live for over 20 years now. I finally made it to this event at the WAMU Theater in Seattle. The venue surprised me, it was more upper middle class and polite than I would have expected when I first got my NY jones on. The one that started with Live Rust playing on Nightflight TV, back in the day.
I saw a few throw backs, but even those seemed a bit more polished than the type of folks I've met in life that have identified themselves as "rusties" to me. More the long haired, flannel shirt, carharts and workboots crowd that sing Farmer John on a barstool with me, or crank out Powderfinger in their garage with a beat up Peavey. I caught one whiff of refer, it wasnt' in the smoking area being carefully eyed by more than enough of the police. Totally surprised, but confirming my thoughts, because I never expected merlot and mixed drinks in the lobby. Then again, I paid about $180 for my ticket and CD. I should have expected it.

I bought one ticket for myself with a damn fine seat, even if they were a bit cozy. I would have paid more to get an all access, or to meet Neil for even a second, or whatever. No regrets, at all. I'm still jagged, and have Bad Fog of Lonliness, Ambulance Blues, Dirty Old Man, and No Hidden Path burned into my skull. I've got the version of Like a Hurricane from "Year of the Horse" in my mind as the most phenominal live Neil there ever could be, so it didn't meet my expectations, but other than that? I got some so so pics, and MPGs from the show, off my digital camera. I kept it close to my chest and the backlit screeen covered so I wasn't screwing up other folks experience. Hopefully I didn't. I can probably edit some of it, to make som nice brushed up mini clips.


My life is so screwed up now. I'm ready to sell all my other boxed sets, to try and but tickets to see him in another venue, with better seats. Time to cash in my 401k and follow Neil. Sounds nutso, eh?

Did anyone get the meaning or code to the letters "randomly" hanging on the back of the stage? How about the song paintings that went up with each song, and when there wasn't one, you had to wonder is this was freestyle on the set list?

The first bit with it just being Neil, 8 guitars, 2 pianos and a harmonica was so pure,Neil, how can you mess with that? It set the stage for the rest of the evening.
The shift from acoustic to plugged in, and how the clothes changed with the sets was great, it fit all my perceptions of NY living vicariously through others visons.
There were NY songs I've never even heard before, totally jagged on that too.

Now for my rambling diatribe on it all.

I went to school in a speck of a town in Manitoba, and for a fraction of time Neil looked me in the eye, and it seemed as if he knew me, and I knew him. (yeah I know he was probably just peering into the bright crazy stage lights, and couldn't have seen me from the thousand other yahoos out there) The kinda thing where you could go fishing with a guy and not say a word, but understand everything. The past two decades I've been thinking, this guy knows me, gets my soul, kindred spirit, frankenstein guitar madman, he gets me, and I know and completely understand everything he sings about . In that fraction of a second, I believed that. Hey it's my gig.

Just like all the idjits yelling out songs for Neil to play. What does Neil play? What he wants to, he has so many songs at the tip of his fingertips and lips, an entire culture, and sub-genre of music has grown out of it.

So for me this was life altering, and monumental. The best concert I've ever been to in all my life, only thing better would have been to be able to shake his hand and say thank you for keeping me company over all these years. I think he would dig the shirt I made, a negative of a WTO riot police line with the words "Neil Young & Crazy Horse" in large gothic lettering at the top, then at the bottom of it, cursive script "Still Rockin' In The Free World". I think he'd chuckle at the irony, and thought behind that. I'd hope so.

I'll admit the t-shirt gig was weird, not what I expected, but even Neil calls his own online store "The Greedy Hand". Concert shirts were better quality shirts than I found in the past few years of concerts, but one I got had a bad transfer on it. I didn't noticed it until I got home and got it under the light. The lighting was so low in the lobby, the vendors couldn't see the buttons on the register. Had to buy a bag for all the crap I picked up, they didn't have bags for anything. At that price I would have expected it, for as much as I got seeing as none of it was available at anywhere but the tour? I'm not sure, I've looked but to no avail. I've got cool NY t-shirts ( the orange tye-die RAWKS!) and a bag now though.

The warnging to head in at the end of intermission was too short too. Could have even dealt with a 45 minute break in between sets, barely time for the restroom, and all that.

It was all about the music for me though, so I remain impervious to the rest. Could it have been harder hitting during the electric? Hell yeah, No Hidden Path had some monster rifts and Neil was getting into it, even if the rythm with the rest of the band wasn't there like I've seen video of with Crazy Horse.

I know it's a bit of a disjointed ramble, and almost a week after the concert, I haven't edited myself at all. This is how I see it, and feel about it all from the heart, I'd pay twice as much as I did, and do it again.

Wow. I knew it would be a great concert, I didn't know it would be insane, and more than I ever would have expected.

Rob Zombie tore it up. The set, the music, the stage presence, and audience energy were awesome. I was going to buy "top of the line" seats. Too much, I figued for the price of ONE of thos etickets, I could get three of my friends to the show. We made it a boys night out.

Got a hotel room a few blocks from the Key Arena, Dan and I stayed there, while the other two yahoos showed up and we killed a fifth of Irish whiskey, then ate soem Dick's Deluxe burgers. Messed with the Jesus people, and delighted in the fact we coudl go to the bar and get beers. No drinks on the floor, but we snuck 'em on easy enough.

Lots of flames, great music, super sexy zombie crazy shit. Oh Yeah.
T-shirt lines too line, too overpriced, and you can get 'em online. Not that great of quality either. I wouldnt' put them over 4 year lifespan at best. I'm STILL wearing my pink floyd and ac/dc from over a decade ago, in good shape.

Everyoen kept saying "Rob was better than Ozzie" How the fuck can you even compare? There isnt' a comparison. Two totally different genres, and things going, it's like comparing the Bee Gees and Johnny Cash. Can't do it.

Ozzie was awesome, great stage presence, he wasn't rambling, he was ON, with all his songs, and even throwing buckets of water into the crowd at the end. Zach on the other hand seemed a bit fuckered up, and tore up the guitar. I'd say he surpassed Randy Rhodes that night. His solo that eased thru Eddy Van Halen, Jimi Hendrix, several Black Sabbath and Iron Maiden rifts, then back into some wild axeman starbursts explosion I didn't even recognize...just wow. Only thing that woulda made the concert better woulda been some hot betties to there and back to the hotel after with us.

Some MESSED up A-hole in the bar during one of the breaks was tryign to start a fight, got pushed away, and came wildly swinging at me, I told him, "Wrong place and time for this dude, it's about the musicnow! knock it the fuck off." So he staggered and came swinging...I set myself and was bringing an elbow up towards his throat with my wild assed friend rushed in out of nowhere, and pulled the dude and his psycho bitch girlfriend that was egging him on into fighting and "kick everyones ass!" out of the way. Wow.


I couldnt' talk for a few days after form the screaming, and all that. We hit an after concert bar, once Seattles best dive, hung there a bit, and figured the RockNRoll babies were too much work and effort, and we wouldn't have been "dressed right" so it was definitely not worth the effort.

It was a great night unti lwe woke up to the closed in hotel room and having to smell Dan's ass busting out the Dicks burgers. Gag. So frickin' gross, then I started busting ass. No wonder I dont' eat fast food anymore...we were making eachother damn near puke from the turtles crawliing out our asses.

anyways, way cool concert, had me thinking of trying to get tickets elsewhere, and going to see them, some place like SLC or North Dakota, or Iowa outta the way and kinda small, could be lots of fun like that.

Next three concerts are Korn, (tonight I've got the kids though) Evanesence, sold out on a weeknight, then Tool at the Everett Events Center, on a Monday and so very sold out. I think I'll stick to bands with a stage presence.

Not sure, maybe I can get a cheap seat fro Van Halen when they come thru...Hmmmmmmm. Maybe. they are getting kinda pricey and I might have the kids or something else going on that weekend. Definitely not a date. *snork*

This was fun, and I look forward to more bands like this, though I'm thinking concert seasons arent' what they used to be?

In the late 1970's while Reggie Jackson was setting the baseball world on fire, and as the US struggled out of the recession, I was driving up north from Ney York to Manitoba Canada by my Dad. We headed to Selkirk where I would be attending Saint John's Cathederal Boy's School. The next year was one of the most formative years of my life. I learned I could surpass anything, and be a gentleman about it for the most part. I understand, deep in my heart why men go to the North Pole, why explorers explored, and how paths were forged through frontiers. A damn fine education with it to boot, so good that when I returned to U.S. public schools, I was years ahead in some subject, and years behind in the socializing dramatics of highschool. Banned from the lacrosse team, and struggling with my parents divorce I barely made it through the education system for my lack of modern social graces. I became an outsider. There were no dogsleds and teams of huskies and malmutes. No snowshowing in the dead of winter, no wild canoe rides in the wild. My memories of this time in my life are so crystalized, I recall them better than the foggy years after trying to fit in. Standing outside the 7-11 smoking, picking fights with anyone to show the rest I could be a bad ass too. Those years were golden. Worthy of a film. I have my personal fears of such hodling me back from ever attempting it though.

A previous reader commented that at one of the reunions, they were a bunch of drunken old sots. I think there might be some truth in that as the wild eyed boys from SJCBS realized there just were not that many frontiers to be forged, or exploring left to do. The same reason when I stumbled across a Robert Service piece in my twenties, and I rememebered why and what I was about, abandoning all of my life "trying to fit in and adjust" I entered the U.S. Navy.

I'm retired from that now, on with a new life, after going to over 30 countries, and once again seeing and doing things some people don't even get to read about. I have at least three or four books in me, maybe a movie or two. I'm just leery of any of it being commercialized, and turned into a clone of something else in some producers office. I am as certain as a rising sun means a new day, if I took the time to write out the adventures of SJCBS it would be recalled as "Sort of a Ciderhouse Rules, meets Dead Poets Society and White Water Summer (the later being a not very well known Kevin Bacon Film) without any tangible conflict to overcome."

That would be because there was no conflict to overcome, other than ground my feet, my heart and my soul, in what I learned there. I could just as well be one of those old bleary eyed fellas burrying what once was in the bottom of a Bushmills bottle. I hardly could believe it would EVER be as sad as portrayed, I just know my own potential for it. I know some of the boys have gone on to do great and amazing things. I don't really think I have, but I know I've done so very much, that I should write about it. It's just not the right time and place yet.

On the other hand I could write some downright scare the bejeesus out of you horror and thriller movies. *grin*

butterflydezi wrote:

Sep. 29th, 2007 04:33 pm (local)
I'm curious.
1. Do you have a tattoo?
2. How old are you?
3. Are you single or taken?
4. Eat with your hands or utensils?
5. Do you dream at night?
6. Ever seen a corpse?
7. George Strait or Jay Z?
8. How did we meet?
9. What's your philosophy on life and death?
10. If you could do anything with me, and have no one know, what would it be?
11. Do you trust the police?
12. Do you like Country music?
13. What is your fondest memory of me?
14. If you could change anything about yourself what would it be?
15. Would you cheat?
16. What do you wear to sleep?
17. Have you ever peed in a pool?
18. Would you hide evidence for me if I asked you to?
19. If I only had one day to live, what would we do together?
20. Which do you prefer
21. Do you sing in the shower?
22. What's your favorite color?
23. If you could bring back anyone that has passed, who would it be?
24. Tell me one interesting/odd fact about you?
25. What was your first impression of me?
26. Have you ever done drugs?
27. Will you post this so I can fill it out for you?

It's been awhile since I've been able to get on here, I can barely get to email these days as it is.
Brief synopsis of things that have been going on.
Got hired direct for the company I worked for as a temp. In less than three months I've made almost as much money as my first six months with them, mostly due to all the overtime. We just went to mandatory 6 day work weeks. Oh joy. This means I'll need to take my earned time off to get time off, and I don't have any yet, because I havent' been direct long enough.

Dammit.

A lot of things I wanted to do this summer I'll have to put off. The weather hasnt' been great when I have the girls, we have only gone swimming once, and it's fair season now, so we are doign the fairs. I entere jams and drunken cherries in the fair this year, first in a long lon time, got best in show for my red raspberrry jam, and then 3 first places, and a second place.

A couple of dry spells in dating, and some whirlwind ones that fizzled because I wasn't willing to commit RIGHT NOW. Sorry but if we've been seeing eachother 2 weeks, you aren't spending the night. I think it's a bad habit for when I have kids over and it leads to premature nesting and joining households. Ooops, damn the bad luck. She broke up with me. *shrugs* Only shows she wasnt' good enough for me if she couldn't discuss.

I hooked up with a gal that I told not to let the door hit her in the ass for her passive manipulation crap. We were just going to hang out have a few drinks, turned into a weekend long, and one particular night long drunken debauchery of kinkines that travelled all the rooms of the house, and into the back yard at 4 am. My knee is still skinned up pretty bad. *chuckles*

Definitely worked the kinks out with that, but we both talked and know we'd tear eachother up in the long run, and after seeing Ted Nugent in concert last Wednesday, that's it.

There are a lto of sweet cute gals at work, but I just don't like the idea of shitting in my front yard. So I'm talking to this lil gal that is about 15 years younger than me (I've been bouncing around the spectrum this year from 22 to 48, like huh? anyways, as always I love ALL women my greatest strength and weakness) off of Craigslist and we are going to meet and discuss a casual thing, she is cute and sexy, and I dig what she writes, so we'll see where that goes next.

As for now..I just had fresh apricot jam dribble down the front of my shirt and I need to get the girls off to the fair.

laters. Hopefully not another six months before I do this again.

M

if this is read anymore, I write it for myself, but at the same time, knowing it's being read.
If it's not being read there are other outlets for this...
I have to admit I've been a lot more serious about my journal at bondage.com just look for it under the handle " Deadeye ". I usually crosspost here unless it is an adult oriented post. Lately a lot of people haven't been "getting" me so I' wondering if I'm a bit out of touch.

Never know.

Since my thoughts have drifted this direction as of late.

This is the opening page for the booklet used to solicit teachers (or as we addressed them then "Master So & so") for the school I lived at and attended in Manitoba as a kid.

I'm considering writing a fictional book based loosely on facts from my times there. There really is, nor has been since then, anything quite like this, and unless you were one of "the boys" at SJCBS you wouldn't really ever "get it", a common bond, and life altering event that molds and lasts a lifetime. I had considerd non-fiction, but then people get their panties in a wad too easily about "it was this way", or it was "that way" and so-and-so did NOT do it that way, it was like THIS. All I have to go on is a few pictures and my memories....so it's best fictional, but if I do this, I plan on doing them proud. As follows the front page of the 1963 Teachers Recruiting handbook.


PROCEED
WITH CARE...
What you’re reading is a recruiting booklet for an organization known as the Company of the Cross. The Company has established two schools in western Canada and is seeking men to run these schools and develop others. Read the booklet with caution. It could cost you plenty — maybe even your life.
Of course you may not be the type that need worry. You’re not a teacher to begin with and, frankly, the idea of the 110-hour work week simply doesn’t appeal to you.
Neither, for that matter, does the idea of paddling a thousand or two miles every summer, nor learning chemistry nor history nor French, nor driving trucks, nor shovelling manure, nor hammering nails, nor snowshoeing 50 miles at a stretch, nor directing teams of door to door salesmen, nor making sausages.
Neither, finally, would you be interested in doing all this at a salary of $1 day plus room, board and necessities for your wife and family. No, thank you, you’ll say. I’m quite happy where I am.
On the other hand, maybe you’re the type for whom all this talk is very dangerous indeed. Maybe for some time now you’ve been looking around the office and asking yourself: Why? Where is it all leading? When I get finished here 40 years from now, precisely what will I have achieved?
Maybe you’ve found that you’re not the Organization Man, that you’ve had with cocktail parties and Chryslers, and that the executive suite turned out to be the one thing you never would have guessed, namely boring.
Maybe you’re no poet, yet there is something within you that is disgusted with the values you see about you, something that demands nobler things, that wants real challenge, real purpose, real achievement.
If you’re anything like the latter, beware. What you’re about to read is very bad stuff.

For my superfreak friends this is cross posted from the bondage place, cuz I wanna save it to remind me not to call next year. Though I probably will.
tell your children not to walk my way....

yeah.

My mother and I have an interesting relationship. I live as far away from her as possible. She isn't allowed to talk to my kids unless their mother or I are present. I don't write, I rarely call, and I usually let her calls go through to voicemail.

Not exactly the picture of a loving son, eh?

Mom is crazy. Certified and stamped. She is also a Stephen Hawkins class genius, yet paranoid, delusional, schizo, and a manic depressive. I left her house the night I had to pull a shotgun out of her hands standing over my brothers beds.

I tried to go back once, it didn't work too well. She wasn't taking her meds, most likely making up her own again. The best thing to do for me, is to keep her at arms length. Probably one of the more painful things to admit and deal with in my life.

The few short visits we have had since 81 have been measured and limited, if she is on her meds she can see the kids. She went off her meds two years ago, or is it three now? She had disappeared for several days, to be found with my step father in a motel room where she had stabbed him, and was in a deep psychotic break.

Alcohol helps. A good buzz blurs it out, and I find I have other things to worry about, like walking.

Been on her meds since. Been ok to talk to in short bits and pieces, I try. She really tries her best to pile all the guilt and garbage of her marriage and what my parents when though, and her insanity on me. Make it my fault. I won't have it.

I just have to wonder what cards I was dealt in life to have to figure out she is back off her meds (or again making up her own shit, a doctorate in pharmacoloy and in chemistry does wonders)when I call on Christmas morning so my girls can talk to her. The holidays suck enough for me most the time as it is. I'm fine being alone, it just seems for the most part I find myself in some of life's worst circumstances during the holiday.

I'd just like to have something sorta somewhat "normal" in that area in my life. The full week with the kids here was way cool, and about the best if could be. So you take what you can get, and get what you can take. That's life. I appreciated everyone that was "nice" to me, and about the whole thing. Not that I particularly like nice, or cute, or any of that crap. I'd as soon be running around manwhoring in teh Santa Claus suit with a pint in my boot. Ha.


One of those age old adages is that you can tell how a man will treat a woman, by how he treats his mother. Hmmmmmmmmmm.

I don't think it explains anything, and I certainly won't carry her baggage.

I really should get out and post more often, there is so much more to my life than this.
Hope anyone reading this is healthy hapy and well.

M

P.S. cross posted as follows

All I want for Christmas is pretty simple. I'm a simple guy. Well ok I've got somewhat extravagent tastes. I like the big fancy hotels, and dinners and the good whiskey and wines. I live a rather hedonistic lifestyle with all of that. Way I look at it is what good will it do me when I'm 70, or to have never done this or that. Only live once, do it well.

As is...

Someone I know publishes a living war memorial, online of all the troops lost in Iraq, and Afghanistan to date.

http://soiuser.hyperchat.com/exegete/TheWall.html

All I want is simple. One Day. This Christmas to not have a family go through losing a son, daughter, mother, father, brother, sister, loved one in that god forsaken sandbox. I just want the one day where he cant' add any names.

yanno, there was a time, when email was exciting. When a fella named Tarno lived abotu 5 miles south of me and we timed the emails back and forth.
There were cool things like a "Map of the Internet" and it was one of the first *images* we sent back and forth.
Every single email was read, and answered, ( I STILL try, I know most of the time I'm "the last oen that replied" for the most part...)and that was the thing. There weren't a lot of us, things like Gopher and such were still around. You could FTP just about anything, and heck even get in the back door at JPL and email the engineers that worked there (ok, that was for goofy geeks like me) and they would write BACK!
Now.......I ignore half of whatcomes thru. It's like a bark blanket drawn over my head opening email half the time. Everything has to be filtered out, and if I dont' auto sort the junk email I do want to get I will miss the actual emails form friends and family that do come through. If I ewven answer them at all. If they ever answer the ones I send. It's a drudgery, it's like looking into the black pit of doom.

First came the chain letters, the ones where everyone did the thing where you make cute pictures with the letters.
God those annoyed me.

Then came the prayer letters, the pass it ont ot ten people chain mails. There was one that actually asked for money for a little girl...I am not surprised it came back they got it and it was a scam. That actually made issue here.

Then came the cards, and greetings...and now we have video we send? How cool is that? EIGHT megabyte emails, wtf?
Honestly I got an EIGHTEEN MEGABYTE email from someone the other day, and he sent it to both accounts! WTF?

We spent years jsut waitign for a hard drive that size!


then came yahoo, and hotmail.

Have to have a yahoo account to filter out the freaks,
weirdos, and the REAL spam, or to send to the freaks and companies, you sure as hell dont' want having your real email addy. Damned if I want alt.com or b.com email at my regular account. I cringe at it. Of course some folks thik you are a freak if you don't have a yahoo YN chat thingie, and after all the ones like PowWow, and the ICQ insanity ( I boycotted that one for SO long!) now MSN, AIM and Yahoo, and you get it on your phone? WTF? A permanent leash to the net..when are the fucking implants coming?
Who is first?

Yet every year I force myself to go thru a page at a time, make sure I didnt' miss anything from anyone (oh SO that is why you are mad, because I never answered your email. Oops).

Shit THEN I find out the guy that sent me the reference leter for work, I need it so much a stellar reference, well for some reason my FRICKIN' email decides anything with a dot mil extension is junk mail, and deletes the attachments and email goes to the junk file. WTF?
I can not win for losing. I can't communicate with anyone, the last gal I wrote to , went into some insane psycho rage and spammed me herself...and I thought I waited enough to let her have my email, waited long enough to find out she is schizo...better than in person I suppose. THAT happens all too often too. Normal people go insane because of email and shit, I mean wtf? ou are going to be so rude to stop your convrsation with me to turn your back and text some dude that sends you cock pictures over your phone? THEN tell me you dont' like that shit, only to answer the next email right away. Life full of contradictions, and I'm getting dizzy from it.

Hell I got kicked off of one of my favourite bulletin boards because I used the term "can't wipe their ass liek a common brazillian monkey" becaue soem clique decided to make issue with me, said I made a racist remark, and got me booted, using the FUCKING SIMPSONS as thier reference!
A cartoon to turn something I said into something racist to get me booted? Like wtf?

Drudgery. It sucks, I could just delete ALL of it, but like my files that I clean out for tax time, and my shredder burning overtime, the same goes for the computer files. I want to start the new year out right, with a clean slate.

Yahoo email- 2186 unread of 2796
Bulk Email- 1163.

Home email account- 783 unread emails, no junk mail (that is on auto delete)

Holy crap. It's triple last years, and to think I ever hoped for email when it was empty? Then I never get email form the people I DO want to hear from they are too busy, or consider me to be one of thos epesky people that emails too much or some shit. Oh well dont' email the guy that lives alone he might write too much, or be too honest or some crazy shit like that. Fuck that. I cna't bring myself to write the people I love and care for at times either...I look at the screen witha heart filled with sadness, ebcause I'm not in a place in life I want to share with anyone, it's NOT worth sharing my own personal hell.

My Dad sent me a Christmas card this year, and I will treasure that thru the season, along with the last one my grandma sent me, I dig that out , and put it up. I'll do my best to try to not snarl and growl at the next person that says Merry Christmas to me or tries to be all cheery and shit. I'll try. I havent' done too well so far.

Ok. rant over...not sur ethe point of it, just wanted to rant, and yeah it's online journal stuff, so it will be crossposted, tho no one reads 'em much anymore.

I'm actually going to dye my beard. People keep asking if I'll be Santa, because well ya know I'm fat, and my beard is grey. I kinda liked the Boondock Saints Il Duce effect...but jeesus chriminey if I get asked one more time I will pull a Godzilla and bite a head off. Fucking enough allready, the only jolly I have for you is under my zipper bitch.

*deep centering breath*

ok. Better now.

Take care and use your spam filters.

So.
I find out I'm totally fucked.

the wheels of fortune have conspired to fucking run me over like Wiley E. Coyote leaving tracks on my backside. Fucking fuckers. Waiting for the Acme safe here now..any minute....

Ok, so not totally fucked, but I could be. The transition assistance separations class I went through, told us when we left, because it was a "retainer" going to Fleet Reserve, and being forced out on HYT at 20 years, would be able to collect full unemployment, at a figure that I expected to be able to fall back on if I hadn't snagged a job by now. So I figure ok, I got time I can play around with this, and find the *perfect* work for me. There will be enough to pay the rent, retainer covers child support, a little left over after that for a slush fund, and I won't have to deplete my savings. I'll be cool, at about half of the pay I was getting before, not a problem. Ungh ungh.

Just oh not so. Great. Of course it's even more tied up in disability ratings, medical evaluations being hung up for over five months too. Sweet.

Unemployment total after deductions, $162 a week. Fucking eh. I'm not goign crazy or anything, but FUCKing FUCKERS. I didn't plan on having to dip into money I spent years setting aside NOW. FUCK. I'm not fucking homeless (yet?)
Having to maybe compromise and work some job I frickin' can't stand but pays enough to grease the wheels..until all the rest of the dominos fall in place.

Fucking fuckers.


They just don't know I found a bottle of Stoly in the freezer the other day for tonights vodka crans, and Carlos Mencia is on the tube. Turns that frown upside down.

Dee Dee dee!

*note- I know folks would expect expensive Irish whiskey from me, but that is for CELEBRATING. vodka is for fucking fuckers.

I woke up after a bizarre nightmare.

I'd been thrown on the set of Top Chef to replace one of the dumbasses on it, and I got stuck trying to make decent fodo witht heir screwed up ingredients. Shilling Italian herbs that were in the 1950's can right out out of the Betty frickin' Crocker cookbook. The pure panic settled in when I got tossed a bowl of rotten fruit to make a reduction with.
Arrrrgh. I kept going knowing I could beat out most any of the numbskulls they have on that show just by stickign to basics.

I looked up the profile,s damn near half of them come from the esteemed Culinary Institute of America. Hyde Park back in the day was nothing to shake a stick at. Many wonderful chefs have come from there....but with what I'm seeing?

There are maybe four on there worth even checking out, with a cursory glance. Continental Bland and UNadveturous seems to be the theme for 80% of what they put on the table.

On the other hand...I say THE only cooking show I've ever seen since Julia Child that was worth watchign in it's entirety.
Flay/De Laurentiis vs. Batali/Ray on Iron Chef America. Cranberries...

WOW! Not a dish on there I couldn't make (not sure where I'd get decent venison or duck, that I could afford) all of them wonderful compliments...and I am going to try the de Laurentis ravioli's, Rachel Ray's drunken pasta (thought about this before, btu never had enough of the right wines, I'm thinking form the comments, maybe even a Carlos Rossi Paisano would be fine for it) are two of them...
the two ladies are even yummier than the food. how is that? I never worked with hot gals IN the kitchen, they all worked on the floor. Hmmmmmmmm. Time to get back in the kitchen?
I was completely impressed likewise with Flay and Batali some wonderful combinations and good solid basic food combination *instinct* I got a great idea for a trifle I'll make if I end up anywhere for Thanksgiving dinner, otherwise it will be frozen pizza and rental movies for me. The kids will be with their mom and her family this year, I get them on the weekend though. So..no sens ein a big meal or any of that. I am sure I have the meats in the freezer, but I might not be all that into it until Christmas.

So....I am back to making cookies. Gods I've made so many so far with the girls, making more. The last batch I was usppose to send out, they never went where they were supposed to.

Justin YM's mme form the sandbox, and I ended up sending them all in care packages..SOoooooo..back to the drawing board, and more care packages. Yay.
I've got FIVE gallon freezer bags full of chocolate chip so far, and the dough for the molasses done, half doen with the snickerdoodles. I'll be making these ALL day.
Today it's a batch of snickerdoodles, and this molasses spice cookie recipe I found in an old (antique) cookbook. See how they come out. I'll wait until after Christmas to make Christmas cookies, and I think all those (the decoratred sugar cookies) will stay local.

Didn't wake up to things floating around on the floor. That is a good thing. Must mean the flood is over. Or at least past critical stages, we were in stage three, because the river had topped some levees here and there, and definitely upriver. Hope things turn out well for folks up that way.

Thought for the day is church; I haven't been to church in a long time. I'm talking my church, where I sit around listen to Johnny Cash, Dropkick Murphy's and Flogging Molly (among other assorted Celtic tunes) and drink whiskey with beans and bangers for brekkie. I should go to church.

I need to clarify some of my goals, wants and needs again, it seems they are a shifting with time. Self inventory sort of thing.

I would think I would have done that on my glorious road trip, but I think that is what has set some of this in motion.


Anyways. Another entry, another day. Shuffleboard tonight. Don't laugh fuckers, it's not a game some old retired grampas play. (hanging my head thinking more than half the guys on the league fit that billet) there is actually big oney in it, and it's a fun way to fritter an evening away in a tavern if you don't have some saucy wench on your knee.

I don't forsee a saucy wench on this man's knee in awhile. Good reason to self evaluate. I have skipped out on all the mnunch and kinkk event's I could have gone to in the past.....six months? Because I just don't want to or dig going to them on my own anymore.
It can become pretty fucking depressing, always being the only single Male around time after time after time....it's like being a memebr of the get a fucking clue club.

Duh duh duh! Not only member but I"m president!

anyways...what the fuck ever.